Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize