One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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