I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
