There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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