(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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