If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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