went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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