No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Randomize
