Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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