my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
do nipples grow back?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize