Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
