just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
