Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
