just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
