You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
