Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
