i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
