You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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