Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
