I CAN MOONWALK!
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
