So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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