so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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