So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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