I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
this is an emotional support booty call
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize