Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize