The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize