Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
