I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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