Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Randomize
