As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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