booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
