Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize