I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
