fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
