So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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