LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
