I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
