I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
