I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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