she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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