Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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