I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I am one with the molecules
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
