walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
