Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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