checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
bring money and cleavage
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
