I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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