i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
