I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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