The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
