One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
