You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
