you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
