My friends, they love my intelligence
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize