I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
