Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
