I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
