Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Randomize
