Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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