I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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