you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
