i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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